The Healing Journey

A Journey To Self Discovery, Restoration, and Healing

What do you do when you feel like all is lost?
When everything that you once knew seems to suddenly fade away.

This is the beginning of a journey. My journey of self discovery, healing, restoration, forgiveness of self and others, and the manifestation of a life more beautiful, fulfilling, and God-centered.

Let's start with a little back story...

My journey itself began as an only child to a single mom. I lived 6 years of my life this way before my mom married my step dad who also had a son of his own, and then together they had our baby brother. Before my step dad's entrance into my life, I had only known parental love from my mother. I did not have any ties or relationship to my biological father, so my uncles were the only male figures that I had known and trusted up until this point in my life.

I remember meeting my step dad for the very first time, and immediately feeling a sense of pride and happiness because, well... he was dressed in his police uniform and I thought that was the coolest thing ever lol! What I didn't know was how he would come into our lives and show me genuine love and care as if I were his very own, and what I also didn't know was that for years, he would be a great example of a loving and dedicated husband.

​ As a young child, I had a front row seat to see the blossoming of true love. From the weekly flower bouquets that my step dad would have delivered to my mom's job, to the hand holding and affection that they showed each time we rode in the car as a family (I vividly remember sitting in the back seat, thinking to myself "I can't wait to hold hands with my husband one day" lol), but also to the simple moments that they shared, such as their love of Root Beer and Baby Ruth's, to our family movie nights, makeshift living room "fashion shows", and the romantic Brian McKnight records that they would play lol.

It was genuinely pure bliss to watch their love unfold as a young child, but one day, things suddenly changed and quickly seemed to come to a halt. Years have passed since, and my parents have separated, but I still love them both immensely, and still find myself praying for the restoration of their marriage at the most random times. In my eyes, they were perfect for each other, and the greatest example of what family, unconditional love, and genuine family fun was all about. Although my siblings and I are now out of the house, my parents still maintain a beautiful friendship; however, I'm still holding out and having faith that God will allow me to see their marriage restored and whole again.

Before I begin sharing the depths of my heart lol, I want to share something that I truly feel that someone reading this may need to hear. Marriages all over the world are under attack right now. I've seen this within my own family as recently as this past year, from stories of strangers all over social media, and sadly, within my very own life.

This year, I'm believing strongly for God's hand in and protection on all marriages - young and old. Broken and unbroken. I'm praying and believing God to restore families, and for every couple experiencing devastation or loss in any capacity. In this season, I refuse to sit quietly, and I refuse to sit in my own fear of judgment. Today, I share our story, and declare true healing and restoration.

Now, let's talk about how we ended up here.
At the age of 12/13, I met my husband for the very first time. It was definitely not love at first sight for me, but my attraction to his kindness, maturity, and gentle spirit took me by surprise. He was just... different - in the best way possible.

We were both extremely young, and I in no way took him seriously in the beginning. Throughout the first few years of our relationship, I was never fully committed or invested into the relationship. I often took full advantage of his kindness, and if I'm honest, those behaviors started very early on into our relationship. He on the other hand, remained consistent and committed to the relationship... until one day, things changed. Three years in, our relationship took a complete 360.

For years after, our relationship went through emotional wreckage as a result of unhealthy communication, immaturity, lies and betrayal. From the end of high school, and throughout college, we fought hard, but as most toxic love would have it, we loved ten times harder. I laugh at these memories now because we were able to move beyond the days of intense/toxic arguments and were able to look at how immature we both were. Throughout this time, my husband (then boyfriend) constantly behaved in ways that jeopardized the integrity of the relationship, and I was not shy of letting it be known to all of my friends and family. I too however, shamefully behaved in ways that jeopardized the integrity of our relationship, but of course, I remained quiet about my low points, and loud about telling his.

Now at this point, you might be thinking... WHY in the HELL were/are ya'll still together? Trust me when I say, we both called it "quits" several times - me, more so than him, even if the reason was actually a result of my own actions smh lol, but again, we loved hard, knew the life that we wanted to create together, and the vision that we both had from God. We also both knew in our hearts that being with each other is where we ultimately wanted to be regardless of where our relationship currently stood.

After years of going back and forth, couple and individual counseling sessions, heated arguments, breaking up, getting back together... the whole nine... we finally decided that it was going to be all or nothing. Both of us were tired of the back and forth, and from that day we began taking the necessary steps to prepare for what would eventually be a true commitment to one another through the covenant of marriage.

Before getting engaged, we began attending church together on a weekly basis, started making better decisions for the sake of the relationship, worked on repairing years of heartache and damage that was caused by each of us, and continued counseling.

In December of 2018, we got engaged, jumped into wedding planning, began the process of building our first home, started pre-marital counseling with our pastor, and continued on our journey. What we didn't know was that just a week after our wedding day, my husband would lose his job, COVID would creep up on the scene, and just three months later, we'd find out that we were expecting our first child. Through it all, the good days and the sad... because honestly, I won't even say the bad because we were truly just sad and felt defeated a lot of the time lol, but through it all, God kept us and showed up for our family in unimaginable ways. Once that season passed, things were looking up. My husband secured a job within a career field that changed the game for our family financially, and we were rockin' and rollin' through married life and parenthood, or... so we thought.

About 2 1/2 years into parenthood, we both got into a routine of work, mom/dad duties, house chores, and what quickly became just fulfilling our husband/wife duties out of a simple place of knowing that we needed to. We however lost our connection. We maintained normal affection of hugs and kisses, but we stopped communicating in the ways that we once did. We didn't ever really argue, we just actually stopped having those deep and intimate conversations. We stopped going on dates. We stopped doing things to keep the spark alive and we slowly began to drift apart.

What I was completely oblivious of, or should I say, unintentionally ignorant of, was how things were deeply affecting my husband. From my perspective, we were in the trenches of parenthood and career advancement together. I felt that just as soon as this "season" passed, we would have the time to connect deeper. After awhile, he began to schedule date nights in order to have 1 on 1 time and tried to subtly bring up conversations about his dissatisfaction with how stagnant our relationship was; however, I would somewhat acknowledge his emotions, share that I also felt the same way, go on the date that he had planned, but quickly remind him that it was just a season that we needed to stick out and get through and that we could eventually focus in on us once our little boy got older.

Now had I known better, had I spoken to someone/ another married woman about how life, marriage, and relationships change after having a baby, I definitely would've handled things a lot differently. But of course, I didn't know better at the time, and thought that my way of thinking was suitable for our current circumstance, when in all actuality, I should have listened to my husbands request for more time, and put in just as much effort into maintaining my marriage as we both did into being parents, and as he did in trying to reconnect with me.

Fast forward to the end of 2022, we found out that we were expecting our second child. For months we had toyed with the idea of having another baby, but we also knew that we had already become so lost in parenthood that we were losing ourselves and the closeness that we once shared in our marriage. When we found out that we were expecting baby #2, it definitely came as quite the surprise, but again, we were married and definitely not preventing, so we were along for the ride... and let's just say the baby bliss ride that I thought we would be headed on, quickly took a turn for what felt like a straight shot to HELL for our marriage.

As we now face our own season of marital hardship, I will openly admit that this is one that has brought about a roller coaster of emotions for the both of us. However, throughout all of this, what I'm most thankful for is God's ability to reveal and show me the hard truths about myself. In the midst of it all, I've had enough maturity to see how my actions or lack thereof also played a role in the devastation that we now face, but am also still grateful for a spouse who took full responsibility and ownership of his actions without ever placing blame. I say this because sometimes, we find ourselves in terrible situations with family, friends, boyfriends/girlfriends, or even our spouse, and will immediately point the finger and blame it all on the individual who may have caused the "most" damage within the relationship. Through it all, neither of us have been too ashamed to admit that we both played a part in where our marriage currently stands. Now would I say it was an "equal" contribution from both parties? Absolutely not. I've never been in denial, and will never diminish the pain and damage caused by all of this, but as painful as it's been, I personally know and am fully aware that I too fell short in many ways, and definitely made decisions that were also against the vows that we shared.

Although this has been one of the most difficult things to walk through, I still choose to share this story. As I always say, I hope that my personal journey and stories alike will inspire and encourage others, and in some "weird" way, it's something that I know I've been called to.

​I've never shared personal stories in real time. I've actually never been able to openly share my deepest thoughts or struggles in the midst of going through them, so this is a first, and regardless of how our lives may look in the next few months or years, I'm choosing to be obedient and responding to the tug on my heart from God. God can't heal what we choose to hide, and I know that in some way, our story will help someone, and am confident that my willingness to share will allow God to speak to the hearts of so many. I also know that even in my own current discomfort, this story is a necessary part of my healing journey.

As of today, many things in my life are rapidly changing, requiring me to look deeply within, and in just a few months, I will become a mother of two. Motherhood alone has changed me to the core of my being, and has rocked me and stretched me in ways that I never knew imaginable. I have a deep love for being a mother, but would be lying if I said that it's easy or that I haven't been pushed to grow areas of myself that were unhealed and unhealthy.

In the midst of preparing for the arrival of baby #2, we are also walking through what has to be the most difficult season of our marriage, and if I'm honest, I'm not too sure of what the outcome will be in this moment. I am however holding on to the promises of God, awaiting clear direction from Him, and trying my best to deal with things in a healthy manner. I still believe in restoration, and I still believe in God's divine ability to change even the worst situations around.

So, again, what do you do when you feel like all is lost?
When everything that you once knew seems to suddenly fade away.

You pray harder than you ever have. You stand firm in your faith. You stand firm on the promises of God. You speak life over your situation and my God, you BELIEVE. Believe in greater things . Believe that better days are ahead, and that God will never allow you to walk through life alone. He will come to your rescue. He can and will turn your situation around for good, and you will reap the beautiful life that He has for you.

Until next time,


​Amari E.