As I continue to navigate this journey of healing and restoration, I’ve found myself cycling through a refining process over, and over, and over again.

With each new challenge, has come a new revelation, and with each new revelation, has come an opportunity to surrender more of who I thought I was and the ideas surrounding what I desired my own life to be.

Through each of my own pain points, the reality of what I thought I knew about myself is being debunked, refined and redefined to align with God’s Word and His Divine Truth.

I remember the very moment that I began to create A “fairytale” narrative for my life. I was no older than six or seven years old when this began.

The Fairytale

I dreamt daily about the life that I wanted as an adult, a life that if I’m honest, looked quite different from my reality as a six or seven year old. This fairytale life that I had created in my mind included everything that my heart had longed to have as a child. It had nothing to do with money or materialistic things, but everything to do with family, love, honor, respect, and togetherness. A home filled with true joy and divine blessings.

If you’re new here, I was not raised by my biological father. I didn’t know who he was, where he lived, what he looked like or even know his full name until this past year, so naturally, this was something that I prayed a lot about in my childhood and something that I wanted differently for my own children.

As a little girl, my heart longed to be in my father’s presence — to be loved, cared for, known and seen by him. I remember writing a letter to him expressing these desires and unfortunately, this letter was never seen or read by him.

At a young age, I felt the pain and emptiness that came from my father’s physical absence. A pain that fortunately propelled my desire to have a relationship with my Heavenly Father. I knew if nothing else, I could pray to my Father in Heaven, and He’d be there to listen.

I remember vowing to myself that I would create a home different from what I grew up in. I strived for a different narrative — praying for very specific things, VERY early on in my life.

I held onto my fairytale story and the narrative that I had created in my mind as a child, and knew that I would stop at nothing to make this “dream” a reality. Little did I know, the reality of both mine and my husbands brokenness would set in, bringing an abrupt stop to my little fairytale story shortly after saying “I do”.

This reality shook my entire story and included a broken marriage and a life that seemed to be crumbling right before my eyes.

I remember the reality and uncovering of every detail of who my husband was and who I had become. It all began to set in rather quickly and those same painful emotions that I felt as a little girl began to resurface. Emotions surrounding “daddy issues” and my abandonment wounds were rearing their ugly heads once again, and the pain of it all hit like a ton of bricks.

Yes, the reality of what my marriage had become, hurt on such a deep level, but the reality and resurfacing of every broken part of myself that I had tried to cover up for 26+ years, hurt even worse. I didn't understand what “my world” was becoming, and I definitely didn't understand why the emotions about my dad were resurfacing.

All I could see in those moments were the realities of what I was dealing with, and the reality of what I was dealing with was that of a broken husband/wife relationship… a destruction and devastating reality of my marriage.

At the time, I felt that my current reality had nothing to do with my broken father/daughter relationship, so I didn’t quite understand why those same childhood emotions were resurfacing. Months later, after intensive therapy, I would later find out that it was all connected. My choice in a spouse, the way I showed up in both my platonic and romantic relationships, my thoughts about my value and worth… all connected and reflective of this absent father/daughter relationship. It was unfortunately and fortunately through the devastating destruction of my marriage that God would begin to connect the dots.

During this season, I met some of the most amazing people — licensed therapists, female mentors, and leaders in my church who spoke life back into me, my husband and our marriage while still also holding us both accountable for our roles in the marriage.

After the initial shock of everything dissipated, and I decided to accept my reality for what it was, I literally began to see the first physical sign of what God was about to begin on the inside of me, within my life and within my marriage.

I had to begin by letting go of my own narrative of how I wanted my life to go; accepting the realities of my imperfect story as a broken little girl, teenager, and adult. I had to understand that a lot of what my life had become was a direct result of sin and disobedience tied to my own personal choices, that of my parents, as well as that of my husband’s. I also had to understand that life was not over, regardless of what it may have felt or looked like in that moment, and that God was and still is in the business of bringing healing to even the most broken places of our lives.

It was time.

Time for God to refine, redefine, and rewrite the narrative of my story.

Time to heal.

He only needed my YES to His will.

The breaking point

Months of therapy followed, and I had finally reached a point.

A breaking point, where I’d need to release the fairytale narrative that I had created once and for all.

Up until this point, I had suppressed and covered up my pain with accomplishments, accolades, and a marriage that I had gotten into as a broken little girl, and because of this, I needed to be reformed, renewed, refined, and redefined by God… so quite naturally, all that I was and all that I had attached myself to in my brokenness had to come crumbling down. All of it. Because quite frankly, it was all built on patched up wounds, trauma, and a false reality of who I was and what life itself had actually become.

My obedience to this painful process of uncovering, rediscovering and healing would however be the deciding factor for what my life would remain (pain and dysfunction), or what it would truly become (joy, healing, freedom, and wholeness).

You see, God never needed my help. He already had a plan for my life — Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

He heard every prayer and plea that I had made to Him as a child, and would be sure to answer them according to His divine order and timeline. I however, in my own spiritual immaturity decided to try and “help” the process move along quicker by building and creating a life that only covered my brokenness. God’s plan however, included a life built and created on a foundation of wholeness, healing, and divine timeliness.

Debunking The Lie — Debunking The Fairytale

Every lie that I had ever told myself up until that point had to be crucified.

Every false image of my reality, and idolized fantasy of the life that I had created in my own strength to pacify my pain, had to die.

I quite frankly needed to be broken down, destroyed and rebuilt and everything attached to me had to experience this same fate, and when rebuilt, had to be rebuilt on God, His Word, His Truth, and His divine plan.

REFINeMENT: How God Redefined The Narrative of My Story

Throughout the last two years, I’ve seen God come through like never before.

Through the pain of the last two years, God has removed the blinders, and brought to the surface all that I had compartmentalized and buried away about my past. He’s allowed me to see the raw and unfiltered reality of my life and what it had become, and has reminded me of the very prayers and petitions that I had made to Him as a child. He’s shown himself to be a good father, and has graciously rewarded my obedience tenfold.

The prayers and petitions that I had lost hope in as a result of painful experiences throughout my childhood, adolescent years and early adult life were answered. Lies from the enemy that I had accepted as just a part of my story... dismantled, refined and redefined. God has literally taken the ashes of my life, and turned it into something so beautiful. His fingerprints, now on every detail of my life and that of my family’s.

The destruction, chaos, and division that the enemy meant for harm, God used as an opportunity to showcase His faithfulness and power. The breakdown of my marriage, led to the breakthrough that I needed for my very own healing and refining.

God’s Promises

God doesn’t forget the promises that He makes to His children.

He will continue to work out all of our impurities, all the trauma and pain, all the sin and shame, and will refine our lives and redefine our stories until we are restored back to the beautiful creation that He had originally designed and planned.

God keeps His promises.

He has walked with me through the darkest parts of life, and last year, at 26 years old, allowed me to be reunited with my biological father as well as witness my husband grow through life on his very own personal healing journey. Though there is still so much to learn about myself, and my father’s bloodline, God has given me the opportunity to journey into a relationship with my biological father that will heal some of the deepest parts of my pain. A part of me that when healed, will yield beautiful fruit, blessings, and abundance not just for myself, but for every good and Godly thing that He has given to me.

Through daily encounters with God, I have personally witnessed His goodness and mercy. I have felt His gracious hand on my life and have encountered His deep love. I only pray that throughout your own life’s journey, you too will experience the depth of who He is for yourself.

Walk in love. Walk in obedience, and Trust that He can and He will make all things new.

Until next time,

Amari E.