A Blog By Amari

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A Step Back

Ever had to take a step back, or maybe even several to just figure out what the heck is going on in your life? Like, what am I actually doing? What is life right now? What has it become? What is God actually doing?

So many questions, with sometimes so little answers, especially when you’ve been in a place of just trying to get it together, you know?

If I’m honest, that’s been me for quite some time now. Though I love connecting with you guys, and sharing parts of my life and my story, it hasn’t come without quite a lot of self reflection and deep waves of emotions, both positive and negative.

So much has happened in my own life in such a short amount of time — a mix of both beautiful blessings and heartbreaking revelations, and let’s just say… the aftermath of some of it has left me with immense pain that has not been the easiest to understand some days.

God and therapy have literally been my life line in my darkest moments. Days have felt like weeks and months have felt like years on some occasion, and this whole healing journey thing has brought up some pretty painful things for me.

There’s unfortunately just one thing about the past that truly feels heartbreaking… there’s absolutely nothing that can be done about the past. We can’t turn back the hand of time, we can’t change what we did or what others did to us, and regardless of how we feel, we’re inevitably forced to somehow pick up the pieces, make peace with the things that have happened, and hopefully and prayerfully heal and become better people from it.

Memories of the past however, can sometimes come at what feels like the most inconvenient times, and the waves of negative emotions that hit are sometimes crippling. There’s absolutely no doubt in my understanding and inner knowing that God is with me and has been with me since the very beginning of my life, but man, as my father-in-law says “Life can get extremely painful.”

My personal goal however is to understand that I do not have to stay or sit in my pain. We all can rise above it. We can all be healed from our past, but it ultimately just really depends on how badly we want healing and how willing we are to put in the work to have our minds and our lives renewed. It doesn’t just happen over night… unfortunately.

I’m sure you guys already know this, but I will forever be a strong believer in the mighty hand of God; knowing that He can do all things, but I am also learning and having to accept that some things don’t just happen overnight, certain problems don’t just disappear because we want them to, and we are sometimes required to do our part — to put in the work on our end to help ourselves. I’ve also learned that wallowing for years in grief and self pity are things that just won’t get any of us to a place of genuine peace.

Bitterness, resentment and unforgiveness will never yield the results that we desire, which for all of us is to truly have a thriving and wholesome life filled with beautiful memories and people who truly love us for who we are.

Regardless of my current situation, I know that God is with us and will be with us every step of the way. He knew that we’d make certain detours in life long before it ever happened, and I believe that He had a plan in place for those very detours, a plan of escape for His children, a plan for redemption and freedom from the mental, physical, spiritual and emotional bondage that the enemy entrapped us in. Sadly, there’s current suffering in many of our lives that truly didn’t have to be, and unfortunately, some of us are currently in a season of suffering and pain as a direct result of sin — sin of our own doing or the sins and actions of someone else that of which has sadly had negative impacts on our lives.

Nevertheless, my prayer today is that God would reveal himself to us even in our darkest moments. Scripture says that God draws near to the brokenhearted and that His power is made strong in our weakness. Knowing this, I am fully believing that God desires us to be free, forgiven, and operating in the fullness of who He created us to be. The question we must then ask ourselves is, how far are we willing to go to do our part in reaching our fullest potential? How much of ourselves are we willing to lay down for God to begin doing what needs to be done in and through us? How much are we willing to surrender? To forgive? To grow?

Psalm 34:18-19 “The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”

2 Corinthians 12:8-10: Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

Be reminded that God was with you yesterday, and He’s there today. He’s there in the midst of seasons of suffering, and in the midst of the most joyous of days. God loves us with a love unlike any we’ve ever experienced, and though life may not make sense at this current moment, I pray that it will soon. For you, and for me.

I love you all. Until next time…

Amari E.