If you were to die today, would the memories of you be good or bad? What would be said of you by your loved ones? Who were you? What were your values? What did you stand for? What did you stand against? How did you treat others? How well did you choose to live despite the highs and lows that life brings?

Those are questions that I have pondered on for quite some time now, and there’s just something about becoming a mom and the realities of life hitting you like a ton of bricks that will just make you stop and take inventory on the person that you’ve been showing up as.

You see, I spent a majority of my life being extremely hard on myself — striving for a level of perfectionism that God never required of me. I worked daily to create a life different than that of my childhood and operated for years with this “head down”, “go get it” mentality, but if I’m honest, that mentality took many beautiful years from me, or should I say, that approach to life unfortunately caused me to miss out on seeing the beauty in many seasons of life.

If you’re new here, new to my story, new to my journey, then you perhaps have no idea what I mean about this “head down”, “go get it” mentality, so I’ll share a bit of my story here…

I graduated from college with my Bachelors degree in two years.

This all happened because of my high school having a dual enrollment program that allowed students to take college courses in high school that could then be transferred over to university. It was a way to get ahead, saving both time and money.

While in college, I opted out of the partying and drinking life, opted out of hanging with/meeting new friends, and simply focused on going to class, working my little part time job, studying, and planning out my future. Again, I had the “head down”, “go get it” mentality and approach to life, checking things off of my to-do list as quickly as I could.

I however, never felt or found satisfaction in any of it and I now see that I truly missed out on so many opportunities during that part of my life. I missed out on truly experiencing college for what it was and all that it had to offer. The partying, sleeping around thing was never, and has never been my thing, so that’s not exactly what I’m referring to, however, what I’m saying is that I could have at least accepted those invites from friends in class to go get lunch, study together and hangout outside of school. It’s almost as if I had this invisible wall up, I didn’t want anyone or anything to distract me from my goals, so I politely turned down the friend request, the lunch dates, and the hangouts, and was in no way receptive to new friends or new experiences. I simply wanted to go to class, go to work, and get my degree, and at that time, I was still a practicing Catholic, so I’d attend mass on the weekends…

Fast forward a few years, I finished up my college internship, graduated from college, started working full time, enrolled into a masters program, got engaged, married my husband and then together, bought our first home. All of this took place in a matter of like 2 years. Within the first three months of marriage, I got pregnant with our first son, started this blog, and later graduated with my MBA a month after our sons first birthday. I vividly remember graduating with my masters and my lack of excitement about it. I didn’t want to walk at the ceremony, so I opted out, and I didn’t want to celebrate in any way aside from the mini photo shoot done by my sweet husband to commemorate the moment. It was as if nothing could make me feel any excitement about life… I was drowning inside, but didn’t quite know why.

For years I blamed so many other external factors that had happened in my teenage years, but there was almost this refusal for me to dig deeper and recall things that I had experienced as a child. This void and feeling of emptiness that I explained earlier had actually existed long before I had even met my now husband, long before any of the teenage, young adult drama.

You see, I was carrying around a lot of pain and trauma from my childhood, unmet expectations that I had about what I desired life to be as a child, as a teenager, and of course, my young adult life, but I never actually got the proper help. I just dealt with things the best way that I could, and for me, that was to just suppress it all, and work hard on my next set of goals as a distraction.

I began to struggle with really bad anxiety and just stopped getting true satisfaction out of the life that I was living, regardless of how beautiful things truly were. I remember waking up one day, seeing answers to prayers that I had prayed as a 7 year old girl, and still just feeling so empty inside… unhappy internally, and there was truly no amount of success, achievement, money, or love that I could get from my husband or child that would/could fill that void.

I needed to heal… but I just didn’t know how…

I needed to go back to the source.

I needed God.

You see, it’s crazy how life works. Things will happen in life that will be sent to destroy you, but my GOD, how He truly does work things together for good. My life… this past year for me is a true testament of that.

The very thing that was sent to destroy me, was the very thing that God used to reveal himself to me. It was that very thing that was sent to destroy me that actually forged the path for me to receive true healing — places and areas of my life that God had always wanted to bring healing to.

It was the very thing that was sent to destroy me that actually pushed me to begin searching for the deep things of God. Chasing after Him like never before. You see, for some people, they will hit this place in life and choose to cope in more destructive ways, but those that truly understand that there is a lesson to be learned out of all things, good or bad, they will prayerfully get to a place where they understand that they must grow. They must heal. They must change, by any means necessary.

Pain… true pain should take you to a place of looking inwardly, not externally.

Because of my pain, I’ve had the courage to take off the mask, to put down the list of goals and to-do’s, and to begin walking out the journey of becoming the best version of who God has called me to be. This has been the year where I have had to look at myself in the mirror, with tears running down my face and acknowledge that I wasn’t okay, and that I hadn’t been for a very long time. Long before getting married or meeting my husband, long before having my babies, long before any accomplishment, accolade, or title.

For years, I simply existed as a shell of a person. Ignoring how I felt, using external accomplishments as a way to make me feel something internally. But this year, I had to go back to the little girl, the five year old Amari and work towards healing her. I had to work on healing teenage Amari, and young adult Amari…

God has gifted me with the opportunity to take several steps back to examine where I am, where I’ve been and how far I’ve come. I’ve been able to share bits and pieces with you all along the way as I have felt called to do, and other times, have retreated within as I have needed to for solace and comfort in the Lord and what He has been doing within me. Because of what’s taking place within, I have been able to show up differently as a spouse, I can show up differently as a mom, and both my husband and children now get the opportunity to experience an emotionally available, healed, joy-filled, loving and nurturing wife and mom. Not the wife and mommy who’s been traumatized by life’s experiences and is just existing with a checklist of goals and a “head down” “go get it” mentality to pacify the pain.

Because of God’s supernatural love, grace and mercy and the beautiful people that He has assigned to walk alongside of me throughout this journey, I have found a new pathway of life and an even deeper connection with myself — an inner knowing with the creation of daily routines that set me up to truly live a life of abundance, joy, peace, and genuine gratitude for where I am, where I come from, and where God is taking me and my family.

I no longer have to just exist.

I can enjoy my life.

I can breathe and not feel anxious.

I can enjoy the life that God gave to me without chasing the next victory/achievement/accomplishment or feeling guilty for the things that God has allowed me to accomplish and the things that he has blessed me to have.

I don’t have to keep living life on a hamster wheel. I can be free. Free to express myself in ways that I never did before. Free to love and receive love. Free to forgive myself and those who have hurt me. Free to choose. Free to let go of the expectations that I once had for life and for others, and to just trust that God has always had this thing under control.

I’ll end today’s post by saying this — There’s truly nothing like the love of God, and the way that He has held onto me this past year, loved on me and shown me kindness… given me the strength to just get up… His LOVE… the way that He’s walked with me through the most painful year of my life… held me together when I couldn’t even hold myself together… moments when I felt that I just couldn’t do it anymore… wheww!

It will always be me and God. Always. There’s no love like His. There’s truly no one like Him. If you don’t know Him, I encourage you today… get to know Him. He will transform, change and captivate your heart and your life in unthinkable ways. He is unlike anything or anyone else you will ever meet or experience.

He’s worth it. Worth knowing, worth loving, worth giving your life to… and He always will be.

I love you all.

Until next time,

Amari E.